STRESS

Today is a day that I could definately eat myself out of house and home literally! We have so much going on with PA school, and I'm very stressed out. As I was driving home from class, I wanted to stop and get something from the gas stations or Arby's which I passed by. Its hard to explain the feelings I had. I just had this overwhelming urge to gorge on food.
I don't really know why I feel that way, but I know that moments like this have led me to be who I am today. I have sort of used food to check out of the world. I call it my very visible wall that I have put up between myself and the world. I hope that I will be strong in resisting more moments like these.
Thankfully, I just kept on driving. I didn't stop and in my house I only have relatively good choices of food. I'm trying to wait to eat until I am truly hungry.
My prayer lately is that with every pound that I lose, I will deal with the hurts and pains that I allowed to end up as added weight to my body. I think when it boils down to it, I have been holding on to many things. I pray daily that I will have the courage to LET GO!

My first 10 percent

My goal 3 weeks ago when I started was to lose 10% of my body weight by Christmas.

10%=33 pounds (yes, thats right I weighed 330 pounds)

I really feel confident that I can get to that goal by Christmas especially since I've already lost 12 pounds. So, I'm almost halfway to my first goal!!

Two other goals I must work on are my quiet times and working out!!

RIP

This weekend I went to my first UK game and I have to say it was quite exciting. A touchdown in the first few minutes of the game and an amazing ending where UK took back there lead. After the game my friend and I were hungry and she went through Wendy's drive through. I got an order of chicken nuggets and a root beer. To say it was good was an understatement.
HOWEVER, the next day I was sick at my stomach all day. It occurred to me that even in just 3 weeks of eating mostly HMR meal replacements and fruits and veggies, my stomach is already not able to tolerate grease. There have been other times in my life that I have quit eating fast food, but after Sunday I now feel that I must bury my love of fast food in its grave.
Death to the fast food, to those greasy fries and greasy hamburgers. Death to Taco bell bean burritos on rare occasions. No more buffalo fingers from Zaxby's. No more Krystals on the drive to Knoxville from Lexington or Lexington to Knoxville. I must say Rest in Peace fast food.
That being said, I know that it isn't going to be that easy to give up those things, but I think I can do it!! I know I'm going to try. I may try to bring the love of fast food back to life BUT that is what I am counting on you guys for.
Tomorrow is my official weigh in day and I know I'm officially atleast at my first 10 pounds lost!!

accountability group

Well, I had my first official weigh in for the accountability group that we have set up at school. I lost 3 pouds this week. Two weeks ago, I started a weight loss program-HMR and it seems to be working really well because my total is 8 pounds. I'm really excited about that.
Its so strange how I can go from feeling so horrible about myself to being really proud about what I've achieved. I hope that I will be able to lose my first 10% by Christmas and at the rate I'm going right now it is very doable.

The greatest thing going on right now is that I feel really good. My stomach troubles are almost non existent AND I'm even drinking shakes that are milk based. I have a little more energy than I have had in the past few months, but I'm still tired.
Well, I think that all in all what started out as a bad week has turned into a good mid week:)

A BAD DAY

Today was a very bad day. It is very hard to explain, but right now in school we are having to learn how to do physical exams. I am not very comfortable with ANYONE touching me (even my own doctor). So, I asked two other girls that I felt I could let poke and prod on me. Then this new lady in our class came in. We tried to tell her that there were already three of us. I was SO embarrassed and almost started crying right there. I didn't know how to tell her that I did not feel comfortable with her in the room.
I think that she also threw off the other two girls because I didn't feel like we got much accomplished. Anyway, I've felt horrible for the rest of the afternoon.
Today proves to me that I really do need to get some help. This problem is truly larger than myself.(no pun intended) So, I did what I have been putting off for some time and that is call about counseling. I'm going to my doctor here on Wednesday to ask for a referral. Hopefully, I am ready to work through the issues.
On a brighter note, a couple of ladies in my PA class and I are weighing in every Wed. This wednesday will be our first weigh in. I have been eating HMR foods for the past 2 weeks and am doing really well!
Well friends that all for now!

Third Day

When I was home in TN for my break from school, I was able to spend some time playing the piano and singing. Both are things that I have always enjoyed and are ways for me to destress. I was playing out of a book of praise songs and Third Days song "Love Song" was in there. As I was singing through the song, the words overtook me. It is a song that I have sung many times, but when I was at home, in that moment, it seemed that Jesus was speaking directly to me.
For those of you that don't know the song, it begins by saying "I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain just to be with the one he loves." The next verse talks about a man swimming the deepest ocean to be with the one he loves. As the song gets to a close it says, " Just to be with you, I've done everything. There's no price I did not pay; Just to be with you, I gave everything, Yes, I gave my life away"
At those words, I really felt like Jesus was speaking directly to me. He was saying, "Amalie, I have given everything just to be with you. You are constantly running from my love. You are constantly doubting my love. What more can I do to convince you of my love because I GAVE EVERYTHING!"
I don't want you to think that I feel like I am unloved. However, I like a lot of people just simply do not understand on God can continue to love me. He is so great and we are so weak. I feel today's world makes it a lot harder to truly believe in and be able to comprehend unconditional love.
Unconditional love is the love that Jesus offers us. He has done everything he can to make it very clear that no matter who or what we are He loves us. We can do nothing to earn his love, He loves us. We can be as bad as we want, He loves us. We can feel so unlovable, He loves us.
How many of you have little things in your life that you just try to hold back from him? How many of you may have these little parts of yourself that you want to fix first before you present it to Jesus? How many of you realize that we are missing the point by thinking this way. "Just to be with you, I gave everything." Those words were jumping out at me and saying to me that He loves me with my flaws and all. I don't have to get dressed up in my sunday dress to be presentable to Christ. I can come to him in my grubby Saturday morning dirty house cleaning clothes and He loves me the way that I am.
I hope that all of us will take a moment to realize that any time we doubt His love we should remember that He gave everything to be with us. He loves every part of you no matter what!!

the balanced life and discipline

You know I think that there are 2 keys to weightloss and it is not diet and exercise. The first is a balanced life. I had a sunday school teacher in college, Sam Cargo, who over and over would draw a picture of three cups. They represented ones spiritual, physical, and mental lives. He would always say that to have a full life these had to be balanced. You couldn't have one overflowing and the others lacking to make it. He would also point out that the most important one was your spiritual life. If it was empty or even half full, then physical and mental would never be where you needed them to be.
For a long time, I did not understand it. I actually thought he was crazy. When he went to draw 3 cups on the easel, I thought, "here we go again with the cups." However, a few years back when I actually did lose a significant amount of weight(before gaining it back), I started to focus on my spiritual life. I had kind of been standing still in all areas of my life, but especially when it came to my relationship with Christ. I had forgotten what a true quiet time was and at that point in time was not active in church. So, I began to experience a full spiritual life. As I began to get right with the Lord, I became motivated to exercise and eat right. All of these things affected me mentally and physically. The light went on!! Sam Cargo was not crazy.
The second key to weightloss is discipline. This has always been a hard one for me. I always think of discipline as "training to act in accordance with rules" or even some result of punishment. I think that sometimes I look at the word discipline and cringe.
However, I recently found this definition of discipline that I like: "to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control." Order and obedience--when you look at weightloss from a spiritual standpoint we have to learn to eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full. Therefore, we are being obedient to never over indulge and not partake in gluttony. The way that we achieve this order and control or discipline is through training and control. My training will come in developing new eating habits as well as exercise habits.
So as you can see exercise and eating right is really involved in my two keys to weight loss, but without a balanced life or discipline the weightloss will not remain for very long. When I first neglect my spiritual life, I am living proof that things begin to fall apart--the weight slowly begins to creep on until you are miserable!
So all you who struggle with this issue too--keep on keeping on because it takes time to develop a balanced life and discipline!!