Thursday, March 27, 2008

40 pounds!!

woo hoo--40 pounds lost!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Time to Change--"I will not do that"

This past week of training has been rough to say the least. We are getting to a part of the weightloss journey for me that isn't just about losing weight anymore. I am having to deal with some self esteem issues, some lies I have been believing for sometime, and always wanting to be invisible when it comes to males due to some problems in my past.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a special workout that was supposed to be with all the other groups on a saturday morning. In that training, we had to do this exercise called a reverse row which is basically a pull up from laying on the ground(if that makes sense-the bar is close to the ground too). I was very self conscious about it especially because 2 people had to hold the bar. They had to support all 300 pounds of me pulling down on them as I tried to pull myself up.
So, Monday I get to workout and what does Johnny decide I have to do?? Yes, reverse rows! He held one end of the bar and the other was in the rail of the wall. The whole time I was doing them I was more worried about how heavy I was and how ashamed I was of who I am! Then later in the workout he has me do a few exercises on this dog sled thing.
Well, he asked me to bend down and push the dog sled the length of the gym hall(the best I can explain to you my location) and I said, "I'm not doing that" He said, "You can do that" I said, "I know I can do it, but I'm not doing that" He wanted to know why. We go back and forth a little bit more before I finally tell him that I don't want people looking at me especially with my hiny up in the air. He said that he would do it with me, but I finally did it on my own. [An aside note to my point here is that I got halfway down the hall and felt dizzy. I stood up and felt nauseated. I pulled the sled the rest of the way down the hall and felt even more nauseated and dizzy which is when Johnny told me to sit down. Yes, puking was AVERTED!! (Hey, most of you know it is against my religion anyway!!)]
Tonight I had to do the inverted rows again:( I didn't have to do the dog sled thing--I guess we weren't taking any chances on puking. I had a really hard time working out today. See right now it isn't so much about the physical health but about the mental and spiritual health. Spiritually I am having a hard time taking hold of the victory of the cross. A good friend of mine told me essentially that is her prayer for me. I want that. I want to believe that I will finally break free from this bondage of food! I want to believe that I will continue to shed pounds and get healthy. Mentally, I'm having an even harder time. My self esteem has always been low. I have always wanted to be invisible. In my mind, just being at the gym and being twice the size of other people there does not allow me to be invisible! And bending over and pushing something is just asking others to stare and you and think, "OH LOOK AT THAT FAT GIRL"
I didn't want to have male trainers. I have 2 of them. God did that on purpose and on some days I am just not ready to deal with it. Its a bit strange to me that 2 really nice guys are helping me break away and put behind me some of the years of being put down by boys and teased by them, and degraded, and other abuse.
So, this week has been tough. I'm not writing this so you guys can feel sorry for me. I'm writing this so you will know where I'm at. A few of you I have shared some of my struggles with before. This is pretty much it. I'm working on it! I'm battling and I'm more determined than ever to keep fighting this fight. I pray that I will take hold of the victory that was given to me on the cross. Pray for me as I learn that I was not made in the image of God so that I could be invisible! Pray for me as I forgive people who hurt me deeply. Pray for me as I learn acceptance of who God made me to be. Pray for strength and rest. Pray that I will be intense in my workouts and filling out my food journals.