MIDNIGHT MUSINGS

The following is an email that i sent to a friend who I normally email when I can't sleep and I wanted to share it with all of you:

Have you ever wondered what it will take to fill that void in your heart? That
thing that you are always looking for and can't quite put your finger on it?
The reason why no matter how much you want to, you just can't let others really
in? Will you ever consider yourself worthy of anyone's love?
Most of the time I won't even let myself go there--to those questions. I try to
press on and pretend that everything inside of me is great. I focus on others
and being a help to them. I think that I most often feel if I can help them and
make them feel good then I can help myself. It seems that thought doesn't leave
much room for me to focus on me.
I don't know what it will take to complete my heart. I know that sometimes I
think a guy could complete me, but I don't know that answer. Sometimes, I think
God will fill that void. That probably is truth, but I often stop at completely
letting Him in. It is so hard to imagine that someone, anyone, even God himself
could love me fully, completely, wholly, despite all the things that I
am-despite all the things about me that I consider unlovable.
I think that i included you in my update about the past few months. Depression
is not fun. No matter how dark things got. On the days when I thought it would
be better if I never had to wake up again, I felt God telling me that I was
worth it. I felt deep down inside of me that I was lovable, that I was someone
who matters, that I was good. I'm still having those moments of feeling
unworthy, of not being able to comprehend how someone could love me.
I've started memorizing Hebrew 11. The first verse says,"faith is the assurance
of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen." The word conviction
has caught my attention everytime i repeated those words to myself. I have
pondered over that statement-the conviction of things not seen. Maybe I
shouldn't question such things. Maybe I should just let go and have some
conviction that God really did send Jesus to die for me. On the cross, He was
able to cover my sins, my shortcomings, my UNWORTHINESS. He makes me lovable;
He makes me desirable; He makes me good; He makes me whole.
Though I can't really see my spiritual self--I need some conviction that I can
be that girl that God has always known I was capable of being--confident,
loving, accepting herself, ABLE TO LET CHRIST LOVE EVERY PART OF ME, whole and
complete, filled with His love! My faith hasn't been very assured and it
certainly hasn't possessed conviction, but I think right now God is teaching me.