Purification Process

Hebrew 10: 14 the Message

“By that single offering, he did everything needed to be done for everyone who takes part in the purifying process.”

Over the last while I have been working through a book about getting rid of stubborn sin. For a long time I have struggled with the question, “God why can’t you heal me? Make me stop sinning?” I’m not going to really get into all that God is teaching my right now, but one thing He is teaching me is the purifying process is so much more than Him taking away our sin.

I want to share an excerpt from my journal, and this is what the above verse means to me.

“Thank You for sending Your son so that I have the option of being purified. Lord, I think sometimes, no most of the time, I expect You to work some magic in my life-that I would magically be healed. While that can happen, when it comes to the battle of food, if You took that from me, You would take away me. You would take my human will-my free choice. In a way, I would be like a zombie and I think that would take away my ability to love You as deeply as I might. That it would take away my desire to know You and to be with you. It might take away my humanity.

I like what He has to say in The Message and it is something that I have never noticed or thought about. “For everyone who TAKES part”-Takes is an active word, it isn’t passive, and the action isn’t being done to me. So, by leaving my human will in tact, by not “healing” me of this battle of food. I have a choice to actively participate in a purification process. Lord, I praise You for that!

Satan Doesn't Care if You are Saved

Yep, I said it...Satan doesn't care if you are saved. I have been listening to a song called Gravity (see below). I first heard the song on So you think you can dance. To say it haunted me is an understatement. It is such an amazing picture of addiction.

The more that I have listened to this song, the more I have become sure Satan doesn't care if we get saved. Now, if a man lives his whole life and doesn't get saved til his death bed, then satan may still he has won that battle. However, in the major battle of this spiritual warfare, I think it may be just a set back when we ask Jesus to forgive us of our sins. He has bigger fish to fry than truly worrying with one person becoming a Christian.
So what does Satan care about? What he cares about is the person who truly becomes a Christ follower, who lives to share Jesus. Then the people who accept Christ turn around and share Jesus with other people. This is what Satan cares about!
The moment we ask Christ into our hearts is the moment that Satan begins to work overtime to shut us down. Sure, as portrayed in the song addictions are things we consider obvious in how satan works. When it comes to addiction, we think of things like alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling, etc. Do we ever stop to think about other things like how much time we spend in front of the tv? The movies we watch? Pride? Electronics? Eating? Insert your own thing here that Satan sneaks in to take your mind off of heaven and leave it here in this world.
There is something in your life that Satan uses everyday to pull you back down to this world. Our minds should be set on heaven-on God's work. My desire is to not be pulled down by the gravity of the world, of being in the world. My desire is to have my mind heaven bound and taking as many people with me as I can!

30 things and such

When I turned 30 this June, I started thinking of a "bucket list" for my 30s so I came up with 30 things that I want to do in my 30s. Some of those things I'm not quite willing to share yet, but one of them is that I want to memorize 300 bible verses. I have been working on Hebrews 12 for a while now and am honestly not that far.
This week I was really challenged by God to really take his word seriously. We had revival at the church I am attending here in Whiteville. The pastor was about 70 years old, and on the last night that I went without every picking up his bible began to quote the scripture and it was from one of the last books of the OT. He didn't just quote one verse but many of them. God's message to me was that 300 verses may not be enough. I MUST memorize His word, hide it in my heart so I might not sin against Him. I want to be 70 years old and able to recall God's Holy word the way Dr. Perkins did.In
In memorizing scripture, God will teach you things. I have been saying the first 7 verses of hebrews 12 over and over and trying to learn them and God is teaching me things as I say those verses
-Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses...throw of the sin that entangles: We need to get with it. Quit yielding to stubborn sin
-Keep your eyes on Jesus: He is the only way to finish the race
-In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood: Have I really, really fought hard to allow Christ to give me the strength to get rid of stubborn sin in my life???????
-Endure Hardship as discipline, God is treating you as sons: God really has my best interest at heart. Just as when my parents were strict with me (and now only as an adult do I see that they weren't being mean or unfair to me) out of love for my own good, God does the same. He disciplines us because we are his children

I didn't see all of those truths the first time that I read through Hebrews 12, but as i have repeated those verses over and over again, God has shown up and taught me. I encourage you to start memorizing scripture...it is our biggest weapon against the enemy!!

And the journey continues...

You know lately I have been thinking about people in the bible like Abraham and Noah. People who are examples of God telling them a specific thing to do and them having the faith to do it. What was Abraham really thinking as he took Isaac up that mountain to sacrfice? What was Noah thinking at that moment that God shut them up in the ark? Or what about when Moses returned to Egypt and was about to speak to Pharoah?
These people were faithful to God's calling. They were going in the directions that God wanted them to do. Did they ever just have moments where they completely doubted God to make the next move, to provide the next moment for them? I wonder these things because I feel like my faith has just been so small lately. I know without a shadow of doubt that God sent me to Whiteville, NC. However, there have been times when I have doubted that the next steps would be provided for me.
For instance, in finding a church, I began to think that there wasn't a place for me to become a part of a fellowship. How wrong I was! Just when I was about to start looking at churches in Wilmington, a co worker told me of a church here in town that I should visit. Not to be judgemental but for such a small church, the Holy Spirit is there. They baptized about 16 people a few weeks ago, and when there is only a couple hundred people in a church that is beyond amazing!
I don't know about Abraham, Noah, or Moses, but God certainly humbles me. See I think it is important to step out in faith, to do what God has called you to do, but to also continue to rely on the Holy Spirit to see you through that task. A professor of mine used the phrase, “if He brought you to it, He'll get you through it.” Most of the time I thought of that as an encouragement for going through hard things, not every day things.
Maybe God has called you to something. Maybe you have been faithful and are doing what he has called you to do, but maybe you are like me and get a little restless, a little helpless in the midst of your journey. Keep hanging in there. Keeping seeking Christ in all things. Rely on Him. Be humbled by Him and His greatness!!

Golden Calf

I feel like such an Isrealite right now! I'm right there among them as Moses went up the mountain with God and handing over my gold to build the calf.

 1 When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, "Come, make us gods [a] who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him.


Its so frustrating!!!!!!! This never ending battle with food truly stinks. This week for whatever reason, I have felt so unsatisfied. Nothing seemed like what I really wanted to eat. I have been short tempered. I have gotten angry for no reason. I have turned to food time and time again. I don't want to keep ending up back here, but I feel like I have to. I want to understand obesity from the inside out. I want to understand how the sin keeps drawing me back in. I want to learn it and know it so that I can fight it and finally win the WAR!

I am so thankful that Jesus has paid for my sins and that there are no Levites to come into my camp and kill me or be struck by a plague. I desire to get this right. I'm praying that God will continue to work in my heart and mind. That He will equip me to be able to truly present myself as a living sacrifice. I have had some good moments these past few weeks, and I am so thankful that God has given me the strength to do just that.

I have been getting on my grandmother's schwinn stationary bicycle (age uknown—25 or 30 years) and peddling away when I really wanted to sit around and do nothing. I have been working out twice a week with a trainer thanks to an amazing friend! I have been eating more fruits and vegetables over all, and drinking less and less carbonated beverages. I need to get to a place where I can win enough battles that tips me over to winning the war!

Food Challenge #1

If you thought I left you hanging, I haven't. I hope that you are making changes to a healthy life.

Your first food challenge is what you are drinking. Uh-oh! Are you cringing at the thought of giving up your beloved coke, mountain dew, pepsi, etc??

Yeah, I know its hard, but this might be the easiest way for you to cut back on calories! Ok, here are some facts. Lets take Pepsi which is my favorite. If you drink 8oz, that is 100 calories. Who drinks just 8 oz. I know I sure don't. So, 20 oz is 250 calories. When I was really throwing back the pepsi, I had about 2-3 twenty ounce drinks a day. Which is 750 calories (if I did my math correctly). Did you know that 3500 calories equals one pound? What that means is that in about 5 days, just by drinking pepsi you can gain a pound. OR if you are a 3 twenty ounce a day person and you cut down to ZERO, you can lose a pound in 5 days.

Hmm, that sound pretty easy—right?? WRONG! If you are like me and love drinking these calorie laden drinks, stopping them could be hard. So here are my challenges to you. I have plenty so I think you can find one that works for you personally.

1.Stop drinking sodas all together. (This is the best option in my opinion but also the hardest for me)

2.Drink diet drinks only. However, there is research out there saying that diet drinks INCREASE your hunger which defeats the purpose of drinking a zero calorie drink.

3.Mix it up. Drink mostly diet with a regualr coke thrown in every once in a while. (This is the option that I seem to follow quite a bit.)

4.Coke Suicide. Yep, you remember this from when you were a kid. At the self serve fountains you would mix all the choices. WELL, same thought. Fill up your drink with 50/50 diet or regular. A personal favorite of mine is when cherry coke is an option. I will often fill my drink up with 75% diet and 25% cherry. This option is great for people who can not stand the taste of diet. The idea would be that you increase the amount of diet while decreasing the amount of regular until you are 100% diet. (PS my friend Tara taught me this a long time ago)

5.Decrease your amount. Figure out how much soda you drink in a day, and start cutting back. Replace a 20 oz with water or diet.

These are the options that I have come up with for decreasing the liquid calories that go into your body. The best option is to quit drinking sodas all together and drink water. Whatever option you choose, use that as your stepping stone, and work your way up to NO SODAS.
Hang in there people. Change is hard, but this is one battle we can over come!

Change is HARD

It truly is so hard to change! This past week and a half has been challenging. I did pretty good last week. There were a few days when foodwise I could have done tons better. This week food has pretty much stunk for me. It is hard to explain to people who don't know anything about addictions. Something welled up inside of me this week and I felt compelled to eat. I don't know if I didn't eat the right kinds of foods or what but it has just been down right horrible at times. Ihave even questioned myself as to why I'm trying to change and can I truly change!

I have been reading this book about Moses taking the slaves out Egypt and have just gotten to when Joshua finally has the go ahead after they wander for 40 years. It is a fictional book recounted by a demon who was one of the original angels that fell with Lucifer. Its interesting to take into account how satan places the right demons to whisper the right doubts into the Isrealites heads at the right time. I am amazed how it was so easy for God's people to say it would be better to go back to Egypt because even if they were slaves, they knew what to expect day in and day out. That life of bondage was comfortable and it might not have been worth living but it was THEIR LIFE. It was all they had ever known.

So when satan's demons put that doubt into their ear, it wasn't hard for them to want to go back. We know how the story ends, but they didn't. They didn't know all the goodness that God had waiting for them. If they did, they wouldn't have waited in the desert for 40 years due to their disbelief and disobedience! So, I've been mulling around in my head this strange war that we live in where just on the other side of the river God has such great things, but unbeknown to us demons are right there trying to get us to go back to what we have known. My friends, we must find the courage to resist what has been enslaving us! We must trust in God to lead us into the promised land. For me that is a land of good health with healthy eating habits!

mid week update

Have you spent the past few days thinking of why you are overweight/over eat? I really encourage you to do that exercise! Ever since I wrote that blog, I have moved onto a feeling of worry--feeling that I might not ever be able to truly succeed at this weight loss. After all I have even been on this very blog and proclaimed that I was going to kick the habit, but found myself right back in my old ways.
So how do we really make progress in this journey? First, I encourage each of you to find a prayer warrior. You need someone to interceed on your behalf especially for those days when you are not strong enough. God has provided me with that person. When I ask her to pray for me, I know that she does.
Second, I encourage you to find someone to hold you accountable to the very journey that you are on. It could be the same person as your prayer warrior. This needs to be a person who won't judge you when you fall into temptation, but will simply set you straight. This person won't make it easy on you either! God sent me this person over 3 years ago. I wish that I knew him better, but I will tell you what I know of him.
Andrew Henderson has been a personal trainer for quite some time here in Knoxville. When I first met him he was in the process of opening up his own personal training studio. I had met with him a few times prior to my father passing away, and I was quite surprised that he came to my dad's funeral. He was there to support me through a pretty hard time. Over the past 3 years, Andrew has randomly(I think of them as spirit led) texted, emailed, or called me to find out about my weight loss journey. He hasn't judged me. He has encouraged me when I was doing well. He has told me to get back with it when I have failed. He doesn't sugar coat things, but he doesn't make you feel like crap about yourself. You need someone like this in your life to tackle this journey that we are going on. (While he doesn't know I'm doing this, if you or someone you know is in Knoxville near Northshore or Hardin valley and needs a personal trainer, check out his studio here .)
So your homework is this...First be real with yourself about why you are overweight. Incidentally, those very reasons are the things that your prayer warrior should be interceding for you as those are the lies that Satan has placed in your heart and mind. Second, find a person that you know will pray for you. If you do not have anyone, then please give me the opportunity to pray for you. Last, you need that person who will hold you accountable and not allow you to fall off the beaten path.
Focus on these things this week. Let's get started!

I am overweight/I over eat because......

-I love food!
-it is all I have ever known
-it is my identity
-I can count on it to be there whenever I need it
-it is my excuse for feeling unlovable, ugly, and lonely
-I eat when I'm bored, stressed, happy, or sad
-food doesn't judge me
-its easy to be this way and SO hard to change
-I'm afraid of failing
-it is my drug of choice
-it protects me
-it is a constant in my life
-it prevents me from truly being seen
-it is my addiction
-it is my idol

Did it make you uncomfortable to read this? Could you identify with it? Could you replace overweight/over eat with your own sin in your life and relate to the reasons why it happens over and over again when you really don't want to be involved in this relationship with SIN anymore?
Recently, I read a fiction book about Celtic people. In that book, their wise men encourage people to name a land that may overwhelm them. They say that in naming something, it no longer can have a hold on you. I am calling this place in my life, ENTANGLEMENT. In Hebrews 12:1 it says “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
Yes, I did survive my rotational year, but I went back to my old ways because I was overwhelmed with life. I didn't lose the desire to change; I just got all tangled us again. I plan on revamping this blog and I am asking whoever reads this to please pass my blog along to other people who struggle specifically with obesity. Maybe you have already won this battle and I would love to have you email me and tell me about it so I can feature you here on this blog.
Over the next many months, I plan on sharing with you how God is working in my life, exercise tips, recipes, etc. For those of you coming across this blog and understanding this struggle, Christ is the answer. He is our saving Grace and He will be our healing power in this struggle. If you go on to read the rest of Hebrews 12, it speaks of resisting sin to the point of shedding blood. Christ did that for us. He went to the pits of hell and on the 3rd day He rose again. It won't be easy, if you are like me you have been ENTAGLED for quite some time. However, bit by bit, we will let go of the hold food has on us.
Feel free to email me anytime: ames121@bellsouth.net

Lifelong Dream Flattened and Squashed!!

Well, my dream of working at St. Judes has been flattened and officially squashed! For those of you who don't know, my last rotation for PA school was to be at St. Judes Children Hospital in Pediatric Oncology. When I was 8 years old I told my mom that someday I would work there. So the fact that I was actually going to spend 4 weeks there on rotation was SUPER COOL!
We had memorial day off. I had been in communication with my contact there many, many times over the past few months. I was told all my paper work was in. So, I started Tuesday and followed around a Nurse practitioner in the Leukemia/Lymphoma clinic. She rocks...she was doing Lumbar punctures and Bone Marrow Aspirates the whole day. I had no idea mid levels could do those with out a physician watching you. It seriously impressed me. So, at the end of the day, I met up with my contact to go and get my ID badge.
This is where my dream began to flatten. We turned in my paper work and they said I had to go through employee health. My contact had no idea. She had just had 2 students the month before and had not had to do that. So, emails were sent to important people. Hence, it was found out at that point that I had some paper work missing. I still don't know what the initial missing paper work was. So, I was told to come Wednesday and go to the library at St. Judes and watch online lectures.
I did that. I finished my day and then went to study. About 6 last night, I checked my email to find my contact just found out that I didn't have a background check on file and did I have one. NOPE, I sure don't. Well, it takes at least ONE WEEK to get those things back. For me that means at least a week and a half of not seeing patients. Normally, I would love that, but in this case, it could be even longer than that to get the background check done. Dream of being at St. Judes—SQUASHED!
As soon as I found out, I called my wonderful clinical coordinator who said she would get to work on it first thing tomorrow. I then emailed her assistant(not sure of her real title) to let her know what was going on, because her assistant is the person that makes things happen. As of 10 am central time, this morning they already have a lead on my placement so I can start there on Monday. Keep praying that everything will go smoothly! My main focus is to spend these last weeks in school learning as much about pediatrics as possible. I know God is in control and HE is going to get me through this. Pray for safe travels to wherever I am heading. Pray for smooth transition into a possibly new clinic. Praise Him for the 2 days I spent at St. Judes which is truly an amazing place!

OVERWHELMED!!

Well, it has been quite an interesting past 6 months. I started out in July on my rotational year in Internal Medicine living in London, KY. From there I lived in Williamsburg, KY and worked in Jellico, TN on my Geriatric rotation. Then I lived in Lancaster, KY and worked in Stanford, KY for my Family medicine rotation. Finally, before Christmas I was in Albany, KY for my surgery rotation. This week I just started rotations again and am in Hazard, KY in psychiatry. I haven't spotted the General Lee yet, but will let you guys now if I have.
This has been some of the most overwhelming times of my life. I do not recommend you younger readers waiting until you are in your late 20s to move away from home for the first time. Then to make matters worse, you move to a new place every 4 weeks or so. Moving to new places has been a lot more stressful than I thought it would. It has led me to an overwhelmed feeling!
I mean on top of having to learn how to put all my classroom work to practice and being nervous about trying not to kill anyone, I have to pack up my life and move to a new town. Many of you know that I do not handle change well. I have dealt with anxiety most of my life. It frustrates me to know end that I get nervous about little things like going to hang out with old friends that I haven't seen in a while much less going to a place where I know no one. Most of the time I make myself do the things that I fear the most because I know I will survive. And that is just how it has been for me during all my moving around. God has provided for me everywhere I have been.
I wish that I had better balance in my life. That when one area gets out of whack the rest wouldn't go to pot, but it has. I have gained about 20 pounds back which is quite disheartening!! Have no fear though because I haven't given up yet. I have been getting caught in the fact that for about 3 months I just had a microwave to cook meals with and couldn't figure out "healthy" things OR that I didn't really have to the time or energy to think about eating right. Well that needs to stop:) I came to a point where I remembered something that I have known all along. IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO PUT THE WEIGHT ON AND IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME TO LOSE IT. That being said, I started thinking about what little change I could make that over a LONG period of time would possibly help me lose weight.
Here is what I came up with: 1. Drink at least 40 oz of water a day. (Yes, I know they recommend 64 oz, but when a doctor dictates when you get to pee, one must limit there water intake) 2. Eat a healthy breakfast everyday.
I can do those 2 things for the next month. I can control that even amongst feeling so overwhelmed with everything else I have going on. More importantly, I'm going to have to keep thinking of ways to balance things in my life. THIS is real life. My life doesn't get to slow down just because I have this huge desire to lose weight. I mean it should, but its just not that way. So for now, I'm taking baby steps. I mean after all you have to crawl before you can walk!!

Medical Missions Conference

I went to the Global Missions Health Conference in Louisville, KY this past Thursday through Saturday. It is the second time that I have been. As a future health care professional, the opportunities and possibilities that have been presented to me are truly amazing. Last year, I walked into the bottom floor of the exhibit hall to see the different organizations that were set up. Notice I said the bottom floor; there were 2 floors full of exhibitors (I’m guessing 200+ booths). For those of you that live in the southern Baptist world, you can understand that I was shocked to know that there were so many choices out there to serve God that weren’t the IMB. I would also guess that there were at least a thousand people from all over the world who had come to gather and rejoice and learn about missions and being health care providers. It was amazing!
God really encouraged my heart this weekend. As I went to the different sessions and heard people speak, I kept thinking about the passion of the people that I was listening too. One man started a clinic in Memphis, TN out of his residency and in the past decade has actually moved into the inner city to become a part of his community that he serves. I had the privilege of hearing Steve Saint (son of a missionary killed in End of the Spear) speak about his life as a boy, his mission now, and other amazing things. I also was completely blown away by our last speaker who was a very humble 92 year old physician who had dedicated his entire life to serving and furthering Jesus Christ. Each speaker was so passionate about the wonderful things God had done in their lives. It was evident that they weren't saying look at me, look at what I have done with God's help. The love that they had for Christ oozed out through their stories. The wonderful things that happened to them seemed to be byproducts of their love for Christ. And that is the challenge that I was given; I was shown that I should seek to love God with my whole heart. It really isn’t about the work they are doing or what they are getting accomplished, but rather loving God. Each of the speakers that I heard seemed to have accomplished so much out of simply loving Christ. From what I saw none of them were trying to reach X number of people or treat X number of patients, but they were seeking Christ daily and as a result were then reaching and treating people.
For me I sometimes get caught up in “all that needs to be done.” I keep asking Christ what it is that he wants me to do. When I graduate, I want to be put in the “right” practice or at the “right” ministry to begin serving him. I don’t want to miss THE boat that God wants me to get on. Well, I think somewhere along the way I forgot, “love the Lord your God with all your soul and all your might.” THE boat that I should be on is the one that has been set in the direction of loving God.
Honestly, I know I haven’t been doing my part. I am not seeking Christ in everything that I do. In fact, right now in PA school, I am solely concentrating on learning medicine. I have felt so overwhelmed in all that is required of becoming knowledgeable in treating patients that I have made it ok for myself not to go to church and not to spend time in the word. I say to myself, “God called me to PA school. For his glory I need to study and do the best that I can do. So that when I am finished I can be a great PA for Him. He will understand if I don’t make it to church on Sunday because I am exhausted from studying and want to sleep in a little and then study some more.”
Man, I have been foolish. Yes, I do believe that to whom much is given, much is required, but not at the sake of falling out of fellowship with Christ. The challenge that I found Christ gently whispering to me this weekend was that I need to get back to Him and everything else will fall into place. I have felt challenged to do this: Each day when I come home from work and get ready to study, I am going to pull out my bible first and spend no less than 15 minutes with Him. I know that you may be saying 15 minutes isn’t a lot, but I truly haven’t even spent one minute in His word in quite some time. I think I will be surprised at how much time I actually spend with Him, and I’m pretty sure my learning will more than likely be blessed by it!
My challenge to you would be to take a minute and evaluate all the “things” that you are doing for Christ. Why are you doing these things? Is it because you feel obligated? Is it because it is the “right” thing to do? Is it out of the obligation of a call you feel was placed in your life? Is it because it makes you look good while saying it is all for God’s glory? If you aren’t doing it as an overspilling of seeking to love Christ with your whole heart, you may need to make some adjustments in your life and your heart. I challenge you to love God first; take as long as you need and see what happens and where it leads you.

More thoughts on rotations

Well, since the "Poo" doctor things just haven't been as interesting. In fact things seemed to become very serious. After 2 weeks in GI I went to pulmonology for 2 weeks and then to cardiology for 4 weeks. You really do have to have a heart that works and lungs that function to live in this world. When those organs become diseased there just really isn't anything too funny about them. I did have a great time in London, KY working with the doctors there and learning alot.
One of the lung doctors stressed me out at times because of how hyper he was. I absolutely loved working in cardiology. That doctor there was tough as I had to give oral presentations on certain disease processes to him. He would then question me on everything I had studied. Most of the time I felt dumb but I know that I learned a lot.
After living in London, KY for 2 months I moved to Williamsburg, KY and worked in Jellico, TN for my Geriatrics rotation. I was with an endocrinologist who mostly saw diabetic patients. I also went to the nursing home once a week as well. Geriatrics was pretty eye opening because I got to really observe how people age. To some extent I truly believe that we, the patients, have control over how we age. We can work hard in younger years to be fit and healthy which will help us to live better in older age. Sometimes, the way God made us over takes that and we can't help but have lots and lots of problems with aging. Probably the most encouraging thing was to see people past the age of 65 living their lives to the fullest no matter the physical health.
Currently, I am in Stanford, KY for the next 2 months in Family Medicine. I have already finished 2 weeks here. It is quite interesting because the doctor I got assigned to prays with his patients (if they allow him) at every visit. Also, most of the patients that we see are there for pain pills and nerve pills. These past 2 weeks have really showed me how people's needs are so much more than health needs. My heart has been broken over and over for our patients. I'm glad that I believe in Jesus because He truly is the only relief and healing that can help!
I know these thoughts are kind of rambled. For those of you who have done the grad school thing or even PA school you know that this is just par for the course in the rotation year. For the rest of you just take my word for it. This may very well be the hardest year that I have ever lived through mentally but I know by God's grace I can make!!

2 weeks with a "poo" doctor

Well, I have finished my first 2 weeks of clinical rotations for PA school. I only have 48 more to go but who is counting! I am on my internal medicine rotation and somehow that has translated into me working with a GI doc these first 2 weeks; next I’m with lung docs for 2 weeks and then with heart docs for 4 weeks. I just wanted to share with you guys some things that I have learned over that past 2 weeks about the stomach. DISCLAIMER: Some of the below information may just be TMI.

The first day that I got to watch colonoscopy and EGDs being performed. I kept hearing this noise. I knew that at times they were using suction but it really sounded like farting. I didn't really think the patients were truly farting on the doctor until he said, "Gosh, Joe(true name withheld) You are blowing me away down there!" Boy did I feel stupid and disgusted all at the same time.

Doc asks me: “Do you know how many times on average a person passes gas a day?”
ME: “I have no idea.”
Doc: “13.5 times a day”
(Seriously, 13.5 times a day, that is a lot of farts and for those of you who say you don’t ever fart I think you have to be contributing somehow.)

Pt to doc:

“Doc, I’m just feeling “nawzee” all the time
Translation (which took me a second): “Doc, I’m just feeling nausea all the time”

style="font-family:Andy;">Doc asks me: “Worldwide what is the average number of bowel movements in day?”
Me: “I would say 3-4 times a day to once a week”
Doc: “Actually it is up to 8 times in one day if you live in Africa and eat a diet like a cow, and 1 time in about 2 weeks if you are an Eskimo and only eat fish”
Me(thinking to myself): 8 times a day…are you kidding me and once in 2 weeks…how awful

Pt to doc: “I’m telling you it feels like I’m frying an egg down there”
Translation: really bad heart burn

Doc says to me: “Did you know if you took all the microvilli in your stomach and spread them out they would cover a football field?”
Me(thinking): “DANG”

Doc to patient: “you know if you quit smoking all your stomach problems would go away”
Patient was having nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and reflux. She was in terrible pain. She didn’t understand what the smoking had to do with it. So the good doctor explains. NOT ONCE DID HE MENTION ALL THE ILL EFFECTS THAT WERE OCCURING TO HER 12 WEEK OLD FETUS. Yes folks, she was pregnant, still smoking, and the good doctor failed to tell her smoking can harm a baby.

When a patient comes in with constipation or diarrhea it is important to ask the following:
How much do you poo a day?
Is it a small amount or a large amount?
What color is it?
Does it stink? I mean does it stink way more than normal, like makes your eyes water?(word from the good doc)
So my advice to you who don’t look is you better start investigating because we as your health care providers do care!

Pt(who was in his 90s)to doc:"Doc I guess I'm going back to my childhood days...I ain't got no teeth and now I'm messing on myself"
Seriously, I think that was my favorite comment that I heard the past 2 weeks!!

All in all it was a great 2 weeks. I have seen more people’s butt cheeks than I ever want to see again. I have seen exactly what lives in your stomach and your colon. Trust me people it is not pretty. The doctor that I was working with was an awesome guy(aside from the smoking baby mama), and he taught me more about being available to patients. His biggest piece of advise to me was what one of his mentors called the 3 As: be “A”vailable, be “A”miable, and be “A”ble and in that order. I think I can handle that. I’m not sure if working with lung doctors is going to be as interesting as these past 2 weeks but I will update you all soon!

new perspective

You know I have been very frustrated lately. I think that is becoming a theme for me in this weight loss journey. About a month ago, one week before I was to do my triathlon, I was rearended and got whiplash. I didn't exercise for a whole week or was allowed to do the triathlon. Not that being in the middle of finals is a great excuse, but that combined with the no exercise led to a 4 pound weight gain. Then I came home and went to the beach. My goal was to not gain weight and/or lose it. In my mind, I was going to lose weight. Well, I had a really good week at the beach. I had great breakfast and lunches, and ate what I wanted at dinner. I exercised 4 of the days that I was there. I came home and I had not lost ANY weight. I was so mad and so discouraged. I was begging God to just help get rid of this problem, to kick the habit of eating when I shouldn't, to eat better, to exercise more, etc, etc.
So, as my dorky PA student self, I sat down to watch a little discovery channel. I watched this show about people with what is called Proteus syndrome. People afflicted with this disease have a part of their body that will not quit growing. One particular person highlighted in the show had legs that weight about 150 pounds all on their own. The only way I can explain this is to think of the marshmallow man in ghostbusters and how big, well he was, but that is what her feet and legs looked like. She had to go to have her shoes specially fitted because they were constantly growing.
I just kept thinking about her once the show was over. She has this affliction that will never go away because there is no cure for Proteus syndrome. In fact if doctors perform surgery on their bones it somehow makes the bones grow more and at a faster rate. I couldn't shake how positive this woman was and how she just went about her own life with what at times was evident pain. I felt horrible for the way I was feeling about my struggle with weight loss. I do have some control over my weight. I have a lot of control. God never promised us an easy life. He did say that "He knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us."
I have to cling to that hope. We all have to cling to that truth. We need to remember that everyone has their own burdens. Realize that maybe your burdens truly aren't that bad. Take some time to look at other people, like this women with proteus, and see that there situation really is bad and see the AWESOME ways that they triumph. I say follow in their footsteps. Never think that your situation is not important. I think that all of us in the midst of our pain should remember that we are valid. A struggle with sin is just that and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Thank God for the struggle, but allow Him to help you stand up under it. Allow him to free you from it.

jesus and the hemorrhagic woman

I have not posted on here in some time and just as a forewarning this is going to be a long post, but God has been teaching me a lot lately and I want to share with all of you. First, there is a song by Natalie Grant called Our Hope Endures, and in it there is a phrase that says: “walk a mile with a women whose body whose torn with illness but she marches on”. The song goes on to say: “our hope endures the worst of conditions, its more than our optimism; let the earth quake our hope is unchanged.” For whatever reason that song led me to the story of the hemorrhagic woman being healed. Natalie Grant gave me this picture of the her walking in the crowd that day with a purpose. She marches on, her hope endures and ultimately it led to her healing. I have read that passage in the NIV, ESV, and the Message just trying to understand what she was going through, what she was feeling, and what exactly happened that day. I like the way the message puts in in Luke 8 and here is what is says:

In the crowd that day there was a woman who for twelve years had been afflicted with hemorrhages. She had spent every penny she had on doctors but not one had been able to help her. She slipped in from behind and touched the edge of Jesus' robe. At that very moment her hemorrhaging stopped. Jesus said, "Who touched me?"

When no one stepped forward, Peter said, "But Master, we've got crowds of people on our hands. Dozens have touched you."

Jesus insisted, "Someone touched me. I felt power discharging from me."

When the woman realized that she couldn't remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, "Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!"

God had so much more to say to me besides that the woman’s hope never failed. Notice first here that it says she had this affliction for 12 years. Can you imagine bleeding for 12 years? I’ve heard people preach on this before and say that she was literally cut off from the church b/c she could not enter the temple to even be in the parts of it where women were accepted. Today, while we aren’t excluded from the church because of our sin, I have let my battle with food hold me back in so many ways in my spiritual life. It really is sad.

Second, it says that she had “spent every penny on doctors but none had been able to help her” How much of my resources—my money, my time, my thoughts—have I invested especially in the area of weight loss to find something/anything that will cure me of my weightloss problem and nothing has worked? How many of us have afflictions or sins that we have invested in everything we have to stop sinning, everything that is but Jesus?

Third, notice she slipped in from behind and just touched the hem of Jesus robe. She slipped in from behind. She didn’t want anyone to notice her. She wanted to keep her 12 year problem a secret but she wanted to be healed and she knew Jesus was the one who could do it. This women knew that she didn’t even need all of Jesus, just a little part of him. She knew that he was so powerful that just his hem of his robe had enough power to heal her. Oh us of little faith, just the smallest bit of Jesus is all we need. He is more than sufficient!

Fourth, when she was healed and Jesus felt that power had left him and he stopped and demanded to know who had touched him, she realized that she couldn’t remain hidden. This bleeding women who for 12 years had been trying everything to be healed so that she could be entered into the fellowship of God in the temple. This woman who probably had dodged so many questions as to why she wasn’t going to the temple, etc all because of her affliction, was now going to have to be noticed. In that moment she knelt before Christ and the WHOLE CROWD and here it says, “she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at the same moment she was healed.” I think this is the part that really spoke to me. I have mentioned before how part of the weight gain was to keep me “hidden” from the world. I have maybe even tried to down play this weight loss. BUT, I see it clearly here that the “crowd” needs to know my struggle and they need to see how it all turns out. Christ deserves the credit and the glory and the honor of the work he is doing in me. I should be “blurting” my story out to all who will hear.

Last, Christ leaves us with this—“live well, live blessed” I intend to do just that. I am blessed because God has been doing so much in my life right now. I’m still at the halfway mark to my next 10% and while I may not make it to my goal by July 7. I do know that I have made so much progress in the last year!! Thank you all for your prayers. No matter what happens, I have lost 45 pounds since Labor day 2007J

There is just so much power in knowing that Jesus died for me, for all of me—I’m truly at a loss for words to express how I feel about this. I pray that each of you who read this will be encouraged to “blurt out” your own struggles so that Christ’s kingdom can be furthered!!

halfway there!!

I'm halfway to my July goal. I think I can do it--I hope I can do it!
Some things that I would have you pray for are as follows:
1. May 22 is the day my dad passed away. Almost 2 years ago which as I have said before I can't really believe. Pray that I will deal with this in a healthy way. Pray that Satan won't use my grief to lead me to my bad habits of self sabotage and over eating. More importantly pray for my mom that she will make it through this tough time as well!
2. I have what I call the weight loss wall. I can lose about 50 or even 60 pounds. I've done it a few times before. Every time that I do something happens to help trigger me back into an upward spiral with the weight. I recognize that part of it as a freak out moment when I realize that the weight I put on to "hide me" away from the general public and to "protect my heart" could really go away. So, I'm approaching the wall and I want to keep pressing on. I want to "throw off the sin that so easily entangles"! Just pray that I will allow Christ to stand up under this yoke of slavery and not let me put it back on.
3. Maybe the most scary to me, but in July I start rotations. I don't know what part of Ky I will be in, if there will be a gym or good place to work out, how much time I will have to work out, the access for healthy food as well as a place to store it. All those things are unknown to me and I don't want the unknown to be my downfall. Pray that God will help me to be organized with the weight loss at the last minute when I have to be. Pray that I will find a routine that will work for me no matter where I am.
Thanks to all of you for supporting me through this. God is good and He is faithful to me! I can overcome this. I'm so blessed to have made the progress that I have made. It will be an amazing testimony to my future patients to share with them this struggle and to finally say I overcame it!!

April update

The other day I caught of glimpse of her. It’s been quite some time since I had seen her. She looked confident. She had that smile that everyone always talks about. She seemed calm and at peace. She seemed full of love. She seemed happy. She looked like she knew where she was going in life and if she didn’t know she seemed ok with that.

I saw me-Amalie, Ames. Someone that I had forgotten about. I haven’t felt quite like myself since my dad died. I was struggling before he passed away, but losing him was a quite a blow that sent me into a world that I had forgotten had existed. These past almost 2 years have been the toughest of my life.

Where I am today is almost unfathomable. I never thought that I could make it through PA school. It was just too hard when I got here. Now, I’m six weeks away from starting my rotations. That is scary in itself, but it seems exciting at the same time. Since August I have done quite a battle with my inner self. The battle isn’t over but right now it seems that I am coming back to me. I’m beginning to feel comfortable with being me. I’m beginning to feel comfortable loving on others, sharing God’s love with others. I’m so thankful for this feeling. I pray that I will cling to these feelings in the heat of the battle.

This week I had the priveledge of one of my professors sharing with us in a student lead bible study with some of classmates. She talked about peace. She said that as one of the fruits of the spirit it is a gift to us. It has been given to us and we have to remember in times of hardship to take out peace and use it. I’m praying that I will continue to use peace as God has given it to me. I also had the revelation that Christ has already died for this problem that I have with food. He already paid the price for me. He has overcome my sin for me and with His love, His strength, and His guidance, I can overcome this!!

40 pounds!!

woo hoo--40 pounds lost!!

Time to Change--"I will not do that"

This past week of training has been rough to say the least. We are getting to a part of the weightloss journey for me that isn't just about losing weight anymore. I am having to deal with some self esteem issues, some lies I have been believing for sometime, and always wanting to be invisible when it comes to males due to some problems in my past.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a special workout that was supposed to be with all the other groups on a saturday morning. In that training, we had to do this exercise called a reverse row which is basically a pull up from laying on the ground(if that makes sense-the bar is close to the ground too). I was very self conscious about it especially because 2 people had to hold the bar. They had to support all 300 pounds of me pulling down on them as I tried to pull myself up.
So, Monday I get to workout and what does Johnny decide I have to do?? Yes, reverse rows! He held one end of the bar and the other was in the rail of the wall. The whole time I was doing them I was more worried about how heavy I was and how ashamed I was of who I am! Then later in the workout he has me do a few exercises on this dog sled thing.
Well, he asked me to bend down and push the dog sled the length of the gym hall(the best I can explain to you my location) and I said, "I'm not doing that" He said, "You can do that" I said, "I know I can do it, but I'm not doing that" He wanted to know why. We go back and forth a little bit more before I finally tell him that I don't want people looking at me especially with my hiny up in the air. He said that he would do it with me, but I finally did it on my own. [An aside note to my point here is that I got halfway down the hall and felt dizzy. I stood up and felt nauseated. I pulled the sled the rest of the way down the hall and felt even more nauseated and dizzy which is when Johnny told me to sit down. Yes, puking was AVERTED!! (Hey, most of you know it is against my religion anyway!!)]
Tonight I had to do the inverted rows again:( I didn't have to do the dog sled thing--I guess we weren't taking any chances on puking. I had a really hard time working out today. See right now it isn't so much about the physical health but about the mental and spiritual health. Spiritually I am having a hard time taking hold of the victory of the cross. A good friend of mine told me essentially that is her prayer for me. I want that. I want to believe that I will finally break free from this bondage of food! I want to believe that I will continue to shed pounds and get healthy. Mentally, I'm having an even harder time. My self esteem has always been low. I have always wanted to be invisible. In my mind, just being at the gym and being twice the size of other people there does not allow me to be invisible! And bending over and pushing something is just asking others to stare and you and think, "OH LOOK AT THAT FAT GIRL"
I didn't want to have male trainers. I have 2 of them. God did that on purpose and on some days I am just not ready to deal with it. Its a bit strange to me that 2 really nice guys are helping me break away and put behind me some of the years of being put down by boys and teased by them, and degraded, and other abuse.
So, this week has been tough. I'm not writing this so you guys can feel sorry for me. I'm writing this so you will know where I'm at. A few of you I have shared some of my struggles with before. This is pretty much it. I'm working on it! I'm battling and I'm more determined than ever to keep fighting this fight. I pray that I will take hold of the victory that was given to me on the cross. Pray for me as I learn that I was not made in the image of God so that I could be invisible! Pray for me as I forgive people who hurt me deeply. Pray for me as I learn acceptance of who God made me to be. Pray for strength and rest. Pray that I will be intense in my workouts and filling out my food journals.